I lived in an apartment with two other people both men and where my cleanliness level was in the middle of the other two. One was an old white man who worked on a board promoting Asian Art. (No one on that board of directors was Asian.) The other was a young dirty young Canadian who was super chill.
There are biases. I owned 1/4 the apartment and the other two were aware of that as subleasers. However, they were leased to my 2 other friends who owned the other 1/4 and 1/4 shares of the home. Where the last 1/4 share didn't sublease to anyone.
I am well aware of why they initially came to me first with their complaint--because I am one of the original leasers. But despite this, I am still bothered by the way the old man whined a complaint to me on several occasions and by the way my friend just didn't handle the subleaser she was responsible for 2 years after it happened.
Despite being an original leaser of the apartment, I never contacted these people through email or what not before they came into the apartment. I was cool with whoever was staying in the apartment though. But from my perspective, they were just roommates. I had no more authority over the apartment than they did and they came into the apartment at the beginning of the lease before I did.
When I came in the wifi was not set up. Both of them asked me to set up the wifi on multiple occasions. Even at this point I am put off by them. It became my responsibility to set up the wifi immediately even though I didn't have to. My friends were the ones who guaranteed wifi to those two men--not me. Where is my obligation to set it up?
But If I didn't. I'd get the sigh and a look from my friend-co-leaser.
I would ask her "what's wrong" and she'd say, "you're being immature."
Ok. then.
Weeks go by and the kitchen gets progressively dirtier.
I put away the trash and wipe the counter tops from time to time.
The Canadian man doesn't do a lick of chores besides cleaning his dishes with a never-washed towel.
I keep dishes in the sink throughout the day and wash them at the end of the day and I also don't use the dish washer (Many Asian-Americans don't use the dish washer me being one of them). I had midterms one week and the dishes were stacked higher than usual. The counter tops collect more grime than usual and the trash fills up. There are colored spills on the washing machine while loading up dishes. But both of us were unaware of this. It became aware to us when the...
Old man comes directly to me and complains, "It's dirty. The counter tops aren't clean. The trash isn't taken out. The dishes aren't being put away. I worry for my health . The rag doesn't look like it has been cleaned in ages. I've been taking out the trash and wiping the counter tops all this time. The cleanliness of this kitchen makes me fear for my life. I'm actually worried about getting sick! And the living room. Why can't i use it? and Why isn't there a place to store your dishes like a dish rack?"
He said this to me on two occasions and both times we had a long argument.
"Look," I said " I have been cleaning the dishes, but its a cultural thing to leave dishes in the sink.
He said, "then why can't you put them back?"
"It's CULTURAL" I said. "Also, I'm not the only one making the mess here. (Canadian man) is also. and He's been making some of the mess. "
When the Canadian man came home most of the conversation was over. He came back 30 minutes later while we were talking and while the same complaints were made. He DOESN"T TELL HIM TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!
Canadian man was like "Yeah. I've been using that dirty dishrag. "
He admits he didn't clean. This could be why the old man isn't mad at him. I don't admit anything because I have been cleaning.
Anyways, we assure him we'll clean a little now.
Then, as old man goes back to his room. We clean.
Funny thing is my friend who currently studies masters in public health at Berkeley came to the apartment not too long before the conversation while the dishes were in the sink during midterms week to make food in the kitchen. I asked her after this whole ordeal, "Was our kitchen a health safety concern? " Her reply, "Not in the least bit! In fact it is.....(I can't remember)."
Later that day, I complained to my friends who owned the lease. The way they just take advantage of me is probably the reason why I am not friends with them now because they emailed the old man who complained back at them and told me to grin and bear it. I pay the same rent they do and I am told to grin and bear it. They tell the guy everything is going to be taken care of and tell me to grin and bear it. They tell me he's just one of those guys, then tells me that the solution is to tell ME to be a little cleaner and to grin and bear it.
I go buy a wire rack on the next day to appease the man. I buy some dish washer soap because the old man demanded it. Fuck the old man. He wanted it right then and none of the other leasers were around.
I tell him I bought a wire rack and then comes the second round.
"Good."
I ask him, "Should I set up a list of chores?"
No response.
I explain to him that we must have different levels of cleanliness and that we should compromise.
What does he say?
"You call this clean? The counters are dirty. The trash ..... I am fearing for my health!!"
I say "I have taken the trash out. The dishes are my problem but even that is cultural. And the Canadian man is the only one who is doing something health detrimental."
Throughout this conversation he repeats that the kitchen is dirty.
"Clean? This is not clean.." He demands I do the chores. He doesn't mention the Canadian man.
"Why aren't YOU cleaning up?"
I tell him "I AM cleaning the counters."
"Well why aren't you doing this or that? Why is it so dirty?"
He tells me, "If you don't clean up I am not paying!!!!!! A basic level of cleanliness was stipulated in my contract."
He keeps repeating himself.
I try to calm him. I try to be a good roommate like a blind man tells his parents he would work, but that he's blind. I am that blind man.
All the time I try to tell him ok we will do this this and this. If you do....
but he'd cut me off right there.
He doesn't want to do anything.
He keeps repeating his previous points, and then
I tell him, "Ok what evers. I am not the one being paid for your spot. I am paying my share of the lease on my own. Take up your complaints with your leasers. I am not above you. You are simply my suitmate. And I didn't agree to what's in your contract."
He tells me, "Ok."
I implore him, "Why aren't you sorry? Aren't you sorry that you're wrong about your assumptions of me?"
He tells me, "I am not sorry and the kitchen is clean now. Keep it clean."
I forgot exactly how this conversation ended, but it left me madder. It ended with a disagreement on what is clean. He had the last say and it was something like, "you think this is clean?"
Everyone knew I was one of the lease holders. It was my fault for taking leadership at first, but the contract is not my ordeal and my friends-co-lease holders didn't suggest anything on my behalf. The things he said were the worst--his biases and that he wouldn't compromise and that his idea of clean didn't agree with at least 3 people's. The situation itself was like any other married couple's.
We only had a week left of living together so we let the fire smolder.
My friend-leasers told me to just be patient.
Wisdom and Biases gained:
- Older people aren't necessarily wiser, not immediately more deserving of respect.
- I became less sympathetic to men after this moment. First, I kind of took this man's demand that I(and not the Canadian) do the chores with all the "you. you you's" as an attack because I am a woman who is expected to do chores. I took it this way because all women I know who are of older parent's age do the cooking and cleaning without exception. My mom complained to my dad to clean every year. Eventually my dad conceded, but aside from cleanliness levels that needs compromise, cooked food was an expectation that my father had of my mother. I didn't like how he found me more at fault for this ordeal. I've been cleaning too! is probably the main point I was mad about and the fact that he complained over the suggestion of splitting up chores evenly thus assigning him some as well. He expected out of me a solution of doing all the chores myself and didn't find the other person equally culpable. He was out of town so he can exclude himself in the mess.
- I kind of learned that there are men who embody negative stereotypes of women: emotionality over reason and the stereotype of being cleaner and enforcing chores on husbands.
- Not necessarily illogical, but pigheaded:
- He doesn't believe in compromising cleanliness.
- He assumes neither I nor the Canadian man has done the chores he claims to have done.
- He assumes I make the rules in the household.
- He expects action by complaining. He doesn't want to divide out chores or compromise.
- He makes assumptions on health safety. 3 people who has seen the kitchen think the kitchen is safe vs himself only.
- I forgot to mention that he was constantly demanding that I buy cleaning supplies. What sort of sublease agreement stipulate cleaning supplies like a dish rack? And why do I have to provide it? He demands some scrubbing equipment a bucket and stuff based on a contract I didn't see. He assumes that I have to provide him with cleaning supplies used in American culture. Why should I buy a dish rack when my Asian household uses the dish washer as a dish rack. There's your dish rack. Why should I buy dish washer soap when I don't use the dish washer? A cleanliness level has been stipulated without my agreement and I bet it sure as hell doesn't specify cleaning equipment.
- However, I learned that I shouldn't automatically assume something about my future roommates as he has of me. This old board member said I didn't do any chores. The reality is that I have done the chores he mentioned. He would just ignore me when I said I did and say that the kitchen is still dirty. Reality is, if I hadn't done any, the kitchen would be a lot messier.
I want to judge the hell out of this old board member. I am speaking from emotion from now on. He is stupid. He is illogical and he doesn't listen. He is biased. He looks at me with entitlement and demands that I clean probably because I am way shorter (thus less threatening until I proved him wrong), Asian, and a woman. Maybe because I am a woman he expects me to clean. Maybe because I am a short Asian on top of that that he expects me to be good at it sweatshop worker style. The way he looks at me, I think he thinks I am a that female cook at the back of a Chinese restaurant. And when I look at him, I see a white fundamentalist republican slave owning baby booming elitist one percenter. Not realistically. Basically, in him, I see everything that I hate. Realistically, a tall white man who for all his life thinks he is special, but is born privileged, and looks at his life without perspective. A capitalist and religious man by teaching never questioning its doctrines. A man without critical thinking or logic. "Someone has just got to suffer the manual labor work (Talking about Chinese mass production manual labor) under capitalism," he literally said. A man who hates change. A grey haired baby boomer who gained all there is to gain from an expanding nation with no thought for the consequences. A man who votes that public funding go toward social security because he is ready to receive it. A man who works on a board promoting Asian art where no one else among 20 ish board members are Asian. He's not the kind of father who murdered a man who drunk killed his son. But he is the kind of man who voted for G.W. Bush and pushed for war believing without question that the war in Iraq was because of terrorism and who now believes he was never wrong. It's hard to tell who's worse.
